1)
What score do you think you deserve? Here is the rubric: I think I can receive 2 points. Although my first draft is not perfect yet, but I can developing it through second and final drafts, and it was a good start to an effective persuasive essay.
2) What did you do
well?
I did well on finding reasons. I found reasons of my topic (SNS makes people feel lonely) at varies points of view.
3) What could you have
done better?
I will developing my narration parts, make it more detail. Also I will complement my essay more convincingly. 4)
Which part of the classical argument did you use the best?
I think my introduction is best part of my essay. My topic is unique and interesting, also I use skill that ask question to readers to make them wondering my topic.
5)
Which part of the classical argument did you use the most poorly?
My narration is very poor. I failed to support my argument convincingly also it lack of detail.
6) What's your strategy to make your second
draft better?
I will make my narration strongly. I will making a good job
explaining the foundations of the issue.
Today a lot of people use internet. The internet became much familiar, so the internet users are on the increase. People through the internet communicate with social world and friends, search information which you want to know, argue your opinion on the government homepage, more over you can listen music which is recorded yesterday. We never imagine before. The internet makes the world become more faster and more closer. But didn't you ever think about the defect of internet? The SNS is the key point of internet communication. Especially for young people, the SNS is the best method to communicate with friends. We can updating our recent life on Facebook let our friends know, also can write criticism about government then posting on our own blog to show our interest in politics. These SNS seem to make people more interactive. But actually, SNS makes people lonely.
People know that through SNS we can communicate with others who live far apart from us .Today, the user of SNS are more than before. Currently, the SNS addicts are increased. People who feel lonely are more tend to be addicted to SNS.
Many people may wonder why the SNS makes people feel loneliness. Because the SNS's goal is to make the world more interactive and communicational. But it is true that SNS makes people lonely. I have found some evidences to prove my topic. First, SNS makes us compare with other person. When we login SNS, we could see our friends' current life. For example, I want to buy the latest new laptop, but my mother say no. At that time if I found my friends bought new laptop which I want to buy, then I will feel envious. and then I may blame my mother she don't allow me to buy laptop. Also, let's imagine when we feel lonely and want to make boy/girl friend, but no candidates. At that time you saw your friend became couple. It may make your loneliness become deeper than before.http://gadgets.ndtv.com/social-networking/news/facebook-can-make-you-feel-envious-lonely-and-miserable-study-321157
Second, SNS is a failed "communication". "Communication" means understandeach other through speech and gesture. but most SNS can not convey the perfect sense which implicated in text. When we communicate with others in face to face, we can show our expression and voice tone to give sense what I want to say and what I feel. But SNS just show text and a little emoticon. It is absurdlyscant amount to convey perfect sense. So it is not communication. http://www.cyberpsychology.eu/view.php?cisloclanku=2008111802
Third, False Information on SNS makes people feel loneliness. "human trafficking is serious in xx city!" "Prostitution of children happen in xx school.." "The earth will collapse in 2012." These information make people feel disappointment to the society, and even make people to hate this world. http://www.socialsciencespace.com/2014/04/how-does-false-information-spread-online/ One study say that Campus-SNS web site addicts tend to be female, young and have used the campus-SNS web sites for relatively a long time and frequently visit the homepages of others. More importantly, loneliness was found to be a significant predictor for the campus-SNS website addiction.
I argued that SNS actually makes people feel lonely, and I have some evidence. Although I had prove my topic through logical confirmation, still some people will disagree with my topic. Opponents may say we can make new friends through SNS to deal with loneliness and boredom. But I can sure that the SNS friend is not a real friend. Friend is not a tool to deal with loneliness or a number to show to other person. also internet friends just can meet in the internet. when we had a talk with SNS friends and turned off the computer, came back to the real world, we will feel loneliness which more deeper than before. We live in real world is not a social network world. Further more, if one person who do not have any friends, and this person want to find some new friends through SNS, but when he form new ID of Facebook, and looked at the mark "FRIEND_0", it will make the loneliness deeper than before.
Also opponents may say We can communicate with friends everywhere and every time through SNS, so we would not feel lonely. but the SNS is a failed communication. "Communication" means understand each other through speech and gesture. but most SNS can not convey the perfect sense which implicated in text. When we communicate with others in face to face, we can show our expression and voice tone to give sense what I want to say and what I feel. But SNS just show text and a little emoticon. It is absurdlyscant amount to convey perfect sense. "The quality of online communication is impoverished in comparison with the physical, real world face-to-face communication," says Dr Catriona Morrison, an experimental psychologist at the University of Leeds in England who has studied the link between depression and internet addiction. "You often don't hear someone's voice and you don't see any body signals, which we know from traditional psychology are important." Like this, when we communicate with others, we have to use our voice(tone, speed, accent) and body(gesture, face expression) together. So SNS is the failed communication. So it is not communication. Also the SNS makes us compare with other person, then we will feel lonely. Additionally, the opponents may say many people use SNS to spend boring time. But as one study proved that campus-SNS website addicts tend to be lonely. Proponents of social networking sites say that the online communities promote increased interaction with friends and family; offer teachers, librarians, and students valuable access to educational support and materials; facilitate social and political change; and disseminate useful information rapidly. Opponents of social networking say that the sites prevent face-to-face communication; waste time on frivolous activity; alter children’s brains and behavior making them more prone to ADHD; expose users to predators like pedophiles and burglars; and spread false and potentially dangerous information. http://socialnetworking.procon.org/#Background 47% of American adults used social networking sites like Facebook, My Space, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Classmates.com in 2011, up from 26% in 2008. As the user of social network service increased, the people who feel lonely are also increased. The SNS do promote interaction with friends and family, but at the same time it promote comparison among friends, too. Also it can not named "communication" . because it is failed communication. although we can disseminate useful information rapidly, but on the SNS also have a lot of false information which confuse people. Many people connect SNS when they feel boredom or lonely. But it is not a good idea to solve loneliness. We have to know that the SNS makes people more lonely. I hope people after read my argument, those lonely person will find something else to treat loneliness, rather than addicted in SNS. http://www.pewinternet.org/fact-sheets/social-networking-fact-sheet/
My Conclusion 1 I had show you guys why the SNS makes people feel lonely. Today most people use SNS. People konw that through SNS we can connect with others who live far apart from us. As one statistic showed that 74% of people who use internet use SNS, also all cell phone user's 40% people use SNS. Like this many people in contemporary society use SNS. Today, the user of SNS are more than before. Currently, the SNS addicts are increased. Also, the lonely person is increasing. SNS makes people lonely. Reasons, the SNS makes people compare with others and false information confuse people and failed communication makes people more lonely. I hope people after read my argument, those lonely person will find something else to treat loneliness, rather than addicted in SNS.
My Conclusion 2 47% of American adults used social networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Classmates.com in 2011, up from 26% in 2008. As the user of social network service increased, the people who feel lonely are also increased. The SNS do promote interaction with friends and family, but at the same time it promote conparison among friends, too. Also it can not named "communication" . because it is failed communication. although we can disseminate useful information rapidly, but on the SNS also have a lot of false information which confuse people. Many people connect SNS when they feel boredom or lonely. But it is not a good idea to solve loneliness. We have to know that the SNS makes people more lonely. I hope people after read my argument, those lonely person will find something else to treat loneliness, rather than addicted in SNS.
1. What is my thesis? SNS makes people lonely. 2. What is the opposite position? SNS can not makes people lonely. 3. What arguments can I anticipate? a)We can make friends through SNS. b)We can communicate with friends everywhere and everytime through SNS. c)Many people use SNS to spend boring time. 4. How will I counter those arguments? a)The wepsite friends is not real friends, it just makes people more lonely. b)The SNS is a failed communication. and the SNS makes us compare with other person, then we will feel lonely. c)Campus-SNS website addicts tend to be lonely.
My Refutation and Concession 47% of American adults used social networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Classmates.com in 2011, up from 26% in 2008. On social media sites like these, users may develop biographical profiles, communicate with friends and strangers, do research, and share thoughts, photos, music, links, and more. I argued that SNS actually makes people feel lonely, and I have some evidence. Although I had prove my topic through logical confirmation, still some people will disagree with my topic.
Oppenents may say we can make new friends through SNS to deal with loneliness and boredom. But I can sure that the SNS friend is not a real friend. Friend is not a tool to deal with loneliness or a number to show to other person. also internet friends just can meet in the internet. when we had a talk with SNS friends and turned off the computer, cameback to the real world, we will feel
loneliness which more deeper than before. We live in real world is not a social network world.
Also oppenents may say We can communicate with friends everywhere and everytime through SNS, so we would not feel lonely. but the SNS is a failed communication. "Communication" means understandeach other through speech and gesture. but most SNS cann't convey the perfact sence which implicited in text. When we communicate with others in face to face, we can show our expression and voice tone to give sence what I want to say and what I feel. But SNS just show text and a little emoticon. It is absurdlyscant amount to convey perfact sence. So it is not communication.
Also the SNS makes us compare with other person, then we will feel lonely.
Additionally, the oppenents may say many people use SNS to spend boring time. But as one study proved that campus-SNS website addicts tend to be lonely.
Proponents of social networking sites say that the online communities promote increased interaction with friends and family; offer teachers, librarians, and students valuable access to educational support and materials; facilitate social and political change; and disseminate useful information rapidly.
Opponents of social networking say that the sites prevent face-to-face communication; waste time on frivolous activity; alter children’s brains and behavior making them more prone to ADHD; expose users to predators like pedophiles and burglars; and spread false and potentially dangerous information.
1. What is my thesis? SNS makes people lonely. 2. What types of source am I using to defend my thesis? Wepsite google, naver. 3. Are my arguments mostly based on evidence, logic or emotion? I find my topic's evidences mostly in stastistic materials, also have some study disquisition. so it can say it is logic. My Confirmation
Many people may wender why the SNS makes people feel loneliness. because the SNS's goal is to make the world more interactive and communicational. But it is ture that SNS makes people lonely. I have found some evidences to prove my topic.
First, SNS makes us compare with other person. When we login SNS, we could see our friends' corrent life. Forexample, I want to buy the latest new laptop, but my mother say no. At that time if I found my friends bought new laptop which I want to buy, then I will feel envious. and then I may blame my mother she don't allow me to buy laptop. Also, let's immagine when we feel lonely and want to make boy/girl friend, but no candidates. At that time you saw your friend became couple. It may make your loneliness become deeper than before.
Second, SNS is a failed "communication". "Communication" means understandeach other through speech and gesture. but most SNS cann't convey the perfact sence which implicited in text. When we communicate with others in face to face, we can show our expression and voice tone to give sence what I want to say and what I feel. But SNS just show text and a little emoticon. It is absurdlyscant amount to convey perfact sence. So it is not communication.
Third, False Information on SNS makes people feel loneliness. "humantrafficking is serious in xx cisy!" "Prostitution of children happend in xx school.." "The earth will collapse in 2012." These infoemation make people feel dissapointment to the society, and even make people to hate this world.
One study say that Campus-SNS website addicts tend to be female, young and have used the campus-SNS websites for relatively a long time and frequently visit the homepages of others. More importantly, loneliness was found to be a significant predictor for the campus-SNS website addiction.
*Narration I will summarize the research I've done and provide some explanations for prove the social network makes people lonely. Also I will give some expert's opinion to help readers understand why the SNS makes people lonely.
1. What do people already know about my topic? People konw that through SNS we can communicate with others who live far apart from us . Today, the user of SNS are more than before. Currently, the SNS addicts are increased. People who feel lonely are more tend to be addicted to SNS.
2. What research has already been done about my topic? Example of new employee, Germany's experiment study evidence-IAT functions of sns how many people use sns sns's defect . . . shows that the SNS makes people become lonely. 3. What are the implications of my argument (What if I'm right? What if I'm right and people ignore me?)
People after read my argument, those lonely person will find something else to treat loneliness, rather than addicted in SNS.
